Woke up at 0400 and my head was filled with thoughts… “I hate my job. Why can’t I just quit?” “Oh God, I forgot to do XYZ at work and I need to get those done today.” “Was I really doing calisthenics on the floor Friday night when I was drunk? I cannot remember.” “Why do I drink so much?” “This really needs to stop.” “I’m killing myself. I’m killing my relationship.”

“Maybe if we had a bigger house drinking wouldn’t affect me so badly and I’d be able to get a handle on this. The lack of closet space is killing me.” “Maybe if I had a less stressful job, my drinking wouldn’t be a problem.” Maybe, maybe, maybe…

And then the tears came. I did this until 0730 when I had to get up to start my day. God, I was so disappointed in myself (again).

My husband asked what was wrong later in the morning and through tears I told him I had to stop. I wanted to stop. (I didn’t say I needed to stop or should stop. I sincerely desired to stop drinking.) He said he’d support me but that I had to do the hard work and make it happen. Not exactly the words I wanted to hear. I wanted him to say, “we’ll get through this together” or “I’ll help you get a plan together so we can fix this.” Nope, all he did was put it back on me and I was pissed. Aren’t we supposed to be in this together?

I took a shower and looked at my thoughts and emotions. Yeah, it sucked that I didn’t feel like I was being actively supported but the truth was that my drinking is something only I can fix. Ugh. Major suckage.

I went to a 1200 AA meeting in my town. Dreaded going thinking I’d run into someone I’d know. Cried most of the way through it. When they asked if there were any newcomers, I leaned forward and blurted out as fast as I could, “MynameisKarenandI’manalcoholic!” The lean was instinctive and visceral. I simply had to lean forward to say it. I hate having to introduce myself like that but it’s all part of “the club’s” operations and the lean was my last ditch effort to summon both the energy and the guts to get the words to simply leave my body.

Truth is, I’m utterly exhausted and I feel run over. I’m also ashamed. On the way to the meeting as I was leaving the house, I took an empty bottle of vodka that I had hid in a reusable grocery bag out to the recycling bin. “Oh my God, another bottle. What is happening to me?” I’m red-faced, fat, and disgusted with so many things in my life. I was a dead (wo)man, walking.

On the outside, I appear to have my shit together. College educated with one masters degree done and contemplating starting another in the spring. I drive a nice car, dress well, own two homes, have a darling husband, and am a cat lady by choice. I also am the first female Vice President at my company. I am well-respected… always have been, hope to always still be, but today I knew I had to change something. This life and the motions I was going through day in and day out weren’t the real, authentic me. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in the booze.

So I went to the meeting. Took mother fucking Puffs Plus tissues with lotion with me to wipe the tears I knew would be coming. God, I forgot how much they don’t absorb! So obnoxious and humiliating. Sat through the meeting and listened as well as I could. I tried to take it all in. I tried not to judge myself. I applauded these people surrounding me who seemed to have figured out sobriety and was ultimately glad to be there despite the tears and nose blowing.

Got home and bumped into my husband who gave me a hug. He didn’t ask me where I went. I’m not sure if that’s because he knew I went to a meeting or if he knows I hate being questioned (he legit does have a way of making me feel like I’m on the defense a lot despite not having any history of seriously bad behavior in the last 14 years). Anyways, he hugged me tightly and told me he loved me. I explained that I wasn’t getting much actual work done in my office so today was mostly a mental health day (note to self: remind me to update my timecard to reflect this). I’m going to call a therapist today and schedule an appointment.

This is my day 1. I went to a meeting. I identified myself as a fucking newcomer. I called and left the therapist a message. Just for today, I am not going to drink.

This blog captures my journey into sobriety. Wish me luck.